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Baguette the Space Cat
Baguette is a space cat who serves in the authoritative force known as the Galactic Police, a group who patrols the galaxy to keep peace and order. While his original text, which happens to be titled "Baguette the Space Cat" portrays him a simple house cat, he is in fact one of the last remaining of the Noodlefolk race, which explains the strange actions committed by Baguette that a normal cat would not typically be able to do. The story of Baguette was originally born out of his standalone short-story. The story tells of one of his many endeavors as the top member of the Galactic Police. It tells the story of Baguette and his adventure with Clubbin, his impromptu side-kick, and ending in the pivotal battle against Dr. Dank. The story was transcribed by Jack Jones. Original Story “Hey, kids…want some candy??” said the sketchy iguana as he lured the baby chickens into his van. Baguette, who was watching from the top of a building precisely 56.77 meters away, compared the mysterious reptile to the mugshot picture in his wallet. “Oui, oui!” he exclaimed, with his French accent. He slowly crept up to the van like a sneaky little snake, unseen, undetected. By the time he had reached the van, the chickens had already climbed into it. “Honhon?” he grunted in his French accent as he failed to open the locked door. He quickly pulled out one of the many tools in his arsenal: an industrial-strength laser pointer. He projected a circular shape onto the door, and the laser quickly burned through the metal, creating a hole in which he could crawl through. “HONHONHONHONHON!!” he said with satisfaction. He crept into the van. To his surprise, he found not a trunk with the suspect terrorizing the chickens, but rather a gigantic maze, the walls of which were made out of sea-sponges. Baguette began to walk and navigate through the maze. After a few minutes, he began to think about the endangered chickens, and realized that by the time he made it through this maze, it would be too late. Using the magical powers of that he gained from the Buddhist monk, Kawaikitteh, to grow his own tail by 666%. He swung his tail in a perfect 360-degree rotation. The walls instantly fell over. “Honhon! Become rekt, scrubby escargot!” he insulted. With the walls gone, he now stood in an empty room. At the end of it, there stood a very dramatic door that was probably bigger than the van itself from the outside. He jumped all the way to the base of the door from his current position, doing approximately 5 back-flips and 7 front-flips per second until he landed. The door was locked. However, the lock was very bad. He ate the lock and proceeded to open the door. As he entered the main room, he saw the chickens playing Ring around the Rosy with the iguana watching yelling “BURN CHILDREN, BURN!” Baguette, with his quick reflexes, vomited pounds of syrup out of his mouth and ensnared the criminal with the sticky fluids. “Honhon, savage criminal-spaghetti-biscuit!” said Baguette with triumph in his voice. The cool-savvy, but justice always prevails! You’ll spend the rest of your pathos-filled life eating prison-quality ravioli in the very non-snazzy cell of prison!” to which the iguana responded: “You scraggly little egg-drop-soup bucket! And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” Baguette sped through the galaxy with his mustache-shaped spaceship, with the iguana tied up in the back, uttering explicit language under his breath. When they finally arrived at the prison, named the Reform Association for Villains in Outer-space with Limited Interaction (or “RAVIOLI” for short), Baguette dragged the criminal out of the ship by his tongue up to the prison guard. “Oh, impressive, Captain Baguette, you have finally caught Sketchy Sammy!” said the guard. “Hon? Did you say ‘finally’? Non! I caught this mischievous muffin only 3 hours after I was given the mission. Give or take 15 minutes.” “Well, you weren’t given the best Galactic-Police award 5 years in a row for nothing!” Baguette entered his Super Penthouse that’s Amazingly Good for Hanging out, Eating, Texting, Talking, and Internet-browsing (or “SPAGHETTI” for short). He immediately started looking at memes on his giant meme-viewer. He saw one video of a baby eating a crayon. Gee, I hate children. He thought. They always follow me around and eat my croissants. A few minutes later, he heard a knock on the door. “Come in!” he said. His adoptive brother from China, Orange Chicken, came walked through the doorway into his SPAGHETTI. “Herro, brother!” he greeted. “Oui! My homie!” Baguette greeted. “First of all, please don’t ever call me homie again. Second of all, do you have any hats I can borrow?” Baguette was annoyed. He had always called Orange Chicken his homie. There had never been a problem before. “Non! Only my special platinum hat, which is too good for you.” Orange Chicken was mildly offended. “You don’t even wear it!” he said. “Honhon, yes, for it is too valuable to come into contact with fur!” Baguette was just making excuses by now. “It isn’t even platinum, it’s just silk!” “Oui, it is very difficult to understand your accent. Bye!” Baguette insulted. Orange Chicken, now very offended, exclaimed: “That is racism. I’m leaving!” he said, and began to walk out the door, before Baguette stopped him. “Oui, one more thing! Can you bring me some food?” Orange Chicken had felt so sad. “Am I your maid or something?” “Yeah, that’s kind of the point of brothers, so go away!” The next day, Baguette was called in by the President-Police who is Incredibly Zealous and Zesty Always (or PIZZA for short). “Oui, grand PIZZA! Did I ever tell you that you are my favorite of all of the PIZZAs so far? You are the first cat to become PIZZA. All of those supremacist voters only vote for dogs…But we are empowered! We can do anything a dog can do! We are strong, independent felines, and we don’t need to dog to-” Baguettes words were cut off by the PIZZA’s. “Sorry to interrupt, Baguette, but we are kind of on a tight schedule. We have seen something very strange in the Andromeda galaxy’s eastern solar system.” he said. “Hon? Is it an evil-doer? I can go over there right this second and show him a taste of some justice!” said Baguette, excitedly. “Baguette, I know you are confident in your abilities, but this time, it isn’t quite that simple.” Baguette’s smile faded into a serious face. “It’s on a planet called Sphere.” he said. “Why is it called that?” Baguette asked. “It was cleverly named after its shape. Citizens of this planet have reported incidents of strange blue slime roaming the streets of the planet. It gets even weirder. The slime seems to be like a parasite. It wraps itself around its victims and is thus able to have complete control over it.” Baguette thought on this. “Hmm…sounds pretty schpooky…” he said. “I need you to go and investigate.” Baguette sped through space on his ship, with the radio on full blast playing David Bowie music. “ATTENTION: YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR DESTINATION.” said the GPS unit in his ship with its robotic voice. He had arrived in the solar system. “See…Planet Sphere…These are all shaped like spheres, it could be any of them!” Baguette contemplated. Then, to his great surprise, he felt a heavy shake in his ship, and suddenly, he could no longer control it. It was spinning in circles, hurling towards one of the planets. The alarms were going off. “NON! NON! NOOOONNN!” shrieked Baguette as he zoomed towards his impending doom. This was it. He was just meters from the ground. “NON! Ship computer! Please record the following message and send it to my family: ‘If you hear this, I’m dead. Unless I did some awesome ninja skillz and lived…I would like to confess a secret! I secretly hid actual baguettes under my bed as a kid, because I didn’t want you to know that I was a cannibal!’” Suddenly, as he fell to his death, he stopped. However, this wasn’t a sharp, painful stop that would occur when he hit the ground. This was a soft, delicate stop. Baguette looked around the spaceship, and, to his surprise, saw some strange blue liquid covering the sides of the windows and the windshield. Baguette felt both relieved and awkward. Relieved because he was alive, and awkward because, not only does his family probably think he is dead now, but because they also know his secret. Baguette grabbed his phone out of his pocket and immediately called the PIZZA. “Oui! Good news: I found the slime. Bad news: it’s currently encasing my ship and I can’t really move.” The PIZZA instructed Baguette to press the self-destruct button on the ship and quickly leave so that he will live, while still destroying the slime. After a few minutes of dramatic sobbing over the loss of his prized spaceship, Baguette left his ship and began searching the area. “WELCOME TO COMPLEXQUADRILATERAL TOWN” were the words on the sign at the top of the arch that marked the entrance to a small village. The locals looked quite strange. They didn’t look like the typical Greys-style aliens, but instead appeared normal humanoids, however their heads were those of animals. Some had cat heads, others had dog and frog heads. Baguette even came across one with a dinosaur head, who, to Baguettes extreme confusion, came up to him and exclaimed “YEE!” without any sort of reasoning. Baguette tried to ignore him and continue on his mission, asking locals what they knew about the slime. One person, who had a deformed horse head, said with a southern accent “So you done saw that stuff too? Yeah, I was just drivin’ down the road, and that’s where I saw it. It lifted up mah truck, and even my ten machine-guns that I keep in my car at all times couldn’t stop it. I thought it might have just been the stuff I was drinkin’ while I was driving, but now that I here you sayin’ it, I’m sure that that thing is ‘hundred percent true. He destroyed my ultra-expensive country truck! It took forever to disable the alarms so that I could get it from that guy’s garage! Someday, imma kill that frickin’ commie-” and was interrupted by Baguette. “Um, thanks for your advice, sir. Also, you are under arrest for, like, seven crimes.” After asking other, more helpful witnesses, Baguette was advised to speak to the village elder, Grand Fishy. As the name implies, Fishy has a fish head. “Sir…Mr. Kitteh…Why have you come to me?” Baguette explained the situation to him. “Hmm… I appreciate your help. I know it sounds rude to require from you when you are trying to help us, but I will tell you what I know under one condition.” Baguette agreed to accept the condition. “Lovely. Let me explain this to you. I am dying. Soon, a new village elder will be assigned. He is only a boy, and still doesn’t know much about…anything, really. So, I need you to take him with you on your quest to slay the slime.” A little boy with a seal head walks in the room and starts making some annoying seal noises. “Non…I hate kids!” said Baguette, even though it was too late. “Alright,” said the elder. “The slime is being controlled by an evil wizard in a tower called the Lovely and Super Amazing Giant Nice Apartment, or LASAGNA for short. It is about 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 millimeters away. Go to him. Kill him.” Baguette and the seal boy walked down the path to the tower. “Hey, Mr. Baguette!” the seal boy said. “Non! That’s Captain Baguette to you, peasant!” Baguette replied, angrily. “Sorry, uh, Captain Baguette. I have a question.” Baguette hesitated, but eventually agreed to let him ask. “Is it okay if I call you Unicorn Pancreas?” Baguette, very confused and a bit annoyed, said: “May I call you Clubbin?” “Um, sure, but why?” the seal boy looked confused. “You wouldn’t understand. Anyway, no, you may not call me Unicorn Pancreas.” Baguette and Clubbin came across a wide river. “Okay, Clubbin. You need to watch carefully and do exactly as I do.” commanded Baguette. He took from his tool belt a strange-looking gun. He fired it at the ground. Seconds afterwards, something began to grow out of the ground where it hit. The object, which grew into a very large vine, grew to carry Baguette across the river. It then proceeded to catch fire and burn up into flames. “See that, Clubbin? That’s what you need to do.” said Baguette. “Um, Mr. Baguette...” “Captain” Baguette corrected. “Yes, Mr. Captain Baguette, I don’t possess one of those magical plant-growing devices.” Baguette thought on this for a minute. “I see…Okay then, I’ll throw mine across to you then.” Baguette proceeded to do this. “I got it! I got it!” said Clubbin as he sidestepped to catch it. However, the gun did not ever meet Clubbin’s hands. Instead, he heard a splash coming from the river. Baguette quickly began to throw blame. “OUI!” he said angrily. “YOU LET IT FALL!” Clubbin, defensively, said: “Well, technically you were the one who didn’t throw it far enough.” Baguette was angry at this. “NON…” and Clubbin, realizing that this was going nowhere, decided to just stop arguing. Baguette, after regaining his chill, said “Alright, I think I have something else that might work.” And then pulled out a vacuum-cleaner-like object out of his backpack. He placed it under the water, and the river began to drain. “Perfect. You will be able to get across, and I will be able to get my Grow-Gun back.” suddenly, there was an intense shake, almost like an earthquake, and Baguette was dragged under the water, and it continued to drain. “UNICORN PANCREAS! UH, CAPTAIN BAGUETTE!” Clubbin yelled in fear. Suddenly, to his surprise, a large object flew straight up out of the water. It was Baguette, but he looked kind of weird. He was covered in a blue liquid, which was also holding him up out of the water, floating in air. This Baguette also looked much more sinister than the one Clubbin had seen. “Um…Hi, Captain Baguette. Do you think you can come down from there?” Clubbin asked, nervously. Baguette looked down on him, angrily. Without warning, an arm and hand formed out of the slime holding Baguette, and slammed down on Clubbin, which he narrowly dodged. “Baguette…Why? Is this because I called you Unicorn Pancreas?” Clubbin said, but stuttered as he realized that this was the slime, and it had taken Baguette as a host. “Ah…I see what’s up here.” he said. For a few minutes, Clubbin attempted to avoid the creature, while trying to come up with a way to free Baguette. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Clubbin saw something. It was Baguette’s Grow-Gun, floating on the water. Clubbin quickly picked up a large stick off of the ground, and used it to pull the Grow-Gun out of the water to him. “Yes!” he exclaimed, but while he was too busy celebrating, the possessed Baguette used his slime hands to lift Clubbin off of the ground, causing him to drop the Grow-Gun. Clubbin tried to break free, but couldn’t. Suddenly, the giant slime creature formed a hollow space around Baguette’s mouth area. “No! Baguette! Don’t eat me!” but it was too late. However, Clubbin soon realized that the creature had made a fatal mistake. It doesn’t have teeth, and Clubbin was just sitting there, floating in the middle of the slime. Clubbin began to move, which forced the slime back and forth as well. Eventually, Clubbin broke free, but he was falling. Into the river. After he had splashed into the water, he began to sink. After a few seconds of struggling, he remembered something. Oh, yeah! I’m part seal! He thought, and then suddenly remembered how to swim. He swam to the bottom, looking for the vacuum device. After a few minutes of searching, he saw it. He turned it on, left it at the bottom to continue draining the water, and quickly swam back up to the surface. Baguette, under the control of the slime, quickly retaliated, as large, slimy wings began to grow from the side of him, turning him into a giant bird-like creature. He began to fly off. “No!” said Clubbin. “I have to save Baguette!” and then, with some quick and clever thinking, picked up the Grow-Gun, which he had dropped earlier, and shot at the ground. It wasn’t growing fast enough. “No! Faster, grow faster!” Clubbin was panicked. However, he quickly came up with a genius idea. He shot the Grow-Gun again, this time not at the ground, but at the water. The vine sprouted, much larger than the others, and began to grow so quickly that Clubbin barely had time to jump onto it. Clubbin, his hands clutched to the vine, shot up into the air directly towards the bird-like creature. As he came high enough, he quickly jumped off of the vine (which continued to grow), and onto the back of the bird. The bird shrieked loudly. If only I had a sharp object, I could bring this thing down! Clubbin thought. He quickly stabbed the creature with the sharpest object he could find: his flippers, which he used as hands. The bird shrieked again, even louder this time. It began to fall to the ground. Clubbin quickly grabbed Baguette out of the slime and jumped onto the vine. “Baguette, you are heavy.” Baguette, just regaining consciousness, said: “Wait…huh? What is going on? Did you just call me fat?” “Never mind that. Do you have a parachute of some sort?” asked Clubbin. “No…My stupid managers said it was a suffocation hazard. Oh, but apparently it is perfectly safe for them to give me a cannon that fired living creatures.” complained Baguette. “Wait…Get out your cannon.” “Why?” “Just do it!” Clubbin commanded, and Baguette, realizing what was at stake from dangling from a vine hundreds of feet in the air, agreed. “Okay, just get into this cannon. I will fire you and I will be right behind you.” Baguette understood that he didn’t have time to complain, and hopped into the cannon. Clubbin aimed the cannon towards the tower they were told to follow, which was just a few miles away. He lit the fuse and Baguette was catapulted far away, too far away for Clubbin to see where he landed. Just as Clubbin was about to light the fuse and jump in, a giant glob of slime came hurling towards his position. He was being covered by the slime. Quickly, he lit the fuse, jumped into the cannon, and launched himself towards Baguette … Baguette woke up, dizzy and confused. He then remembered what had happened. He stood up to find himself in a creepy-looking room. “Clubbin!” he yelled, but received no answer. “Non…I’ve got to find him before he gets hurt.” he said to himself, but was immediately confused by his own words. Baguette had no emotions. He was the great captain of the space cops. Never before had he cared about the well-being of others, let alone an annoying little child. Baguette dismissed this as a result of his confusion from hitting his head, and resumed his search for Clubbin, clearly out of fear that the village won’t give him his deserved glory if he were to let him get hurt. He went room to room, searching every nook and cranny for a sign of Clubbin. After going through at least 100 doors, he noticed something. He recognized this room. And the next room. And the next after that. Hon… I must have gone in a circle he thought. However, even after going only straight for about 10 doors, he found himself in the same room again. “I swear, this room is making me teleport.” Suddenly, a loud crash came from above him. He looked upwards to find a large object falling down at him towards the ceiling, and quickly did his signature Baguette-Roll of Cool, Octagonal, Ludicrous, and Nice Imagination (or BROCOLINI for short) to dodge it. He soon realized that the object that had fallen wasn’t an object at all. It was a person. “You shall not pass!” he said. “So, you must be the guy who has been spreading that scrubby slime everywhere!” he was a very nicely dressed man for a villain. He was wearing a tuxedo and a top hat, which somehow stayed on his head through the fall. “Yesss...” hissed the man. “I am the great Dr. Dank.! You shall bow before m-” “Wait…” said Baguette, violently giggling. “Your name is Dr. Dank?!” “Yesss…You got something against that, kitty?” “Sorry, it’s just hilarious! Your last name is really dank? And you have a doctorate? That is just HILARIOUS.” Baguette was in tears over his laughter at this point. “I’d be willing to bet that you aren’t even a real doctor! ” Dr. Dank, who was very mad, lunged at Baguette and punched him in the face. “Ha! Nothing can penetrate the great Baguette!” he said with pride, but was quickly proven wrong, as he felt a sharp pain in his tail. He looked up to see Dr. Dank, holding him by his tail. “…except for that.” “You’re gonna pay for saying all of those things about me!” said Dr. Dank. Suddenly, when all hope had seemed lost, an incredibly loud crashing sound came from above. Baguette, looking up, saw Clubbin falling from the ceiling. He landed directly on top of Dr. Dank, who proceeded to drop Baguette. “Nice job, Clubbin.” said Baguette as he and Clubbin both regained their footing. “Thanks, Captain!” And the true battle began. It wasn’t quite as dramatic as it may sound. There were a lot of biting and scratching and weird seal noises, until eventually, Baguette formulated a plan. “Okay, so I need you to distract him. I don’t care how, just keep him still so that I can go around from behind put handcuffs on him.” Clubbin ran up to Dr. Dank and started making some extremely annoying seal noises. Dr. Dank responded by attacking him. Suddenly, Dr. Dank realized where he had flawed, as he felt cold metal from the handcuffs on his hands, tied behind his back. “No! Fine…you leave me no choice!” said Dr. Dank. Baguette had heard this before. It was a trick to get him to back off. “I’m not fooling for that old trick, Mr. Dr. Dank!” he said. “Um, Baguette, look at his hat.” said Clubbin. Baguette looked at Dr. Dank’s hat, which was weirdly glowing. He then heard a mysterious ticking noise… “Clubbin, run! It’s going to explode!” But it was too late. The hat had exploded, and everyone was blasted away. Baguette screamed. But, to his surprise, he was not dead. He had been stopped in midair. He was fine. He looked over to see Clubbin, who was also fine. Clubbin was being held up by some of the slime, but why? As Clubbin and Baguette were both lowered to the ground, Baguette began to notice the true level of strangeness of what had just happened. The entire tower was destroyed. Dr. Dank was nowhere to be seen- presumably dead. But they were fine. “Oui…What just happened?” he asked. “Well, earlier, right before I shot myself here in a cannon, some of that stuff latched on to me. Turns out, that stuff is made mostly of water. I am a seal, so I am pretty good with water.” Clubbin explained. “Wait, so you can control that stuff?” Baguette asked. “Apparently.” “Wait…what do you mean you’re good with water? The village elder said you know nothing.” Baguette asked. “I don’t know much, really. I sort of just do whatever idea pops into my mind and it usually works. As for the water…I am a seal. I am a water animal.” Baguette was still confused about what that had to do with anything. “Why didn’t you tell me you could control the water?” “Because, I wasn’t really very good at it. If I was, I would have tried to do it back at the river, where I realized it was made of water, but I didn’t want to risk it. Seeing as this was a desperate situation, I didn’t really have any other option. Regardless, it ended well.” The two headed back to the village to celebrate, where the PIZZA came to congratulate him. “So, Mr. Clubbin, that was pretty impressive.” said the PIZZA “I would like to invite you to join the space-cops.” “REALLY? YOU MEAN IT?!” said Clubbin, excitedly. “Well, you will be an assistant. A side-kick, essentially.” he said. “You could be my assistant if you want to.” offered Baguette, who had finally developed a liking for Clubbin. Clubbin was very excited and naturally accepted this offer. And so it was. Baguette and Clubbin ventured through the galaxy together, fighting crime. Baguette had also become much more friendly- he was less worried about the glory than he was about catching the criminals now. Baguette had finally learned what it’s like to have emotions other than pride. … The next day, Baguette hosted a party at his penthouse to celebrate their victory. Everyone came. The other space-police came, the village elder came. Pretty much everybody came. The only person Baguette couldn’t find was Orange Chicken. Baguette was upset, but he couldn’t really blame him. After all, he was very rude to him the other day. “Hey, Captain Baguette!” Clubbin greeted as he approached Baguette with, strangely, enough, another seal-creature. “This is my brother, Fetus.” Fetus makes a very high-pitched screeching noise. “Uh, hi there, Fetus. If you don’t mind me asking, why is he named Fetus?” asked Baguette. “Well, you’ve been calling me Clubbin, but my actual name is Cletus. I was born first, so our parents wanted our names to rhyme.” Fetus makes some more weird sounds. After the party, Baguette stopped by his brother’s house on the way home. He knocked on the door. “Hey, it’s Baguette. You should come out!” Baguette said. Unsurprisingly, nobody answered. Baguette thought about this. Suddenly, Baguette had an idea. “Hey! Orange Chicken! I have a gift for you!” he yelled. “I brought you dumplings!” Dumplings were Orange Chicken’s favorite food. Sure, Baguette didn’t actually have any dumplings, but he knew this would work. Slowly, the door creaked open. “Really?” Orange Chicken asked, excitedly. “No, not really. We can go get some though, it’s on me.” Baguette and his brother flew across space on their way to Dumplings ‘R Us. “Baguette, can we please change the radio channel? I hate country music.” asked Orange Chicken. “Sure. I have no idea why it was on in the first place.” and Baguette changed the channel. The lyrics sharply changed from country ‘You and me go fishin’ in the dark…’ to screaming death metal ‘WE ALL HAVE A CHICKEN-DUCK-WOMAN THING WAITING FOR US.’ “Much better.” said Orange Chicken said. They arrived at the restaurant. “Table for two, please.” said Baguette. As they waited, Baguette began to realize the true obscurity of this restaurant. Everything was dumpling-shaped. The tables were dumpling-shaped, the chairs were dumpling-shaped, even the ceiling fans were dumpling shaped. After a few minutes of waiting, the waiter showed them to their table. “Hmm…” thought Baguette. “What should I get?” “You should try the red-velvet dumpling. It’s delicious.” recommended Orange Chicken. This is what Baguette ordered. “Hey, Orange Chicken…can this be my apology for how rude I was earlier? I really am sorry…” pleaded Baguette. “Hmm…Alright. I forgive you.” … Much changed after that. Baguette and Orange Chicken began to talk more. Clubbin and his brother, seeking a better place to live, moved into Baguette’s penthouse to stay with him. Baguette was originally very opposed to this, but after careful persuasion, he agreed. Baguette, for his troubles, was rewarded some new, higher-class tools and technology, one of which included a small device with the soul-purpose of creating memes. It wasn’t exactly necessary for his work, but it was still fun. And thus ends the dramatic story of Baguette the Space-Cat. Even after his time is up, his legacy will still reign throughout history for generations to come. Children will come to look up to him as the hero who, alongside his new found best friend, Clubbin, saved the universe from destruction, not just from Dr. Dank, but also from other villains for years to come. They would go down in history. Forever.